After moving to Sudbury, I was having a hard time adjusting. Before I left, my partner and I had decided to part ways because our careers were taking us on too different paths. I had enrolled in Cambrian for Environmental Monitoring and Impact Assessment in the hopes of making a better career for myself in Northern Ontario where environmental specialists are needed.
Making connections has always been hard for me.
Something that had surprised me was the small number of matching people on OKCupid in the city. But then I found him. He seemed interesting enough so I gave him a shot asking about his career and about some of the things he liked. It turned out he was a nerd just like me!
A little prodding led me to find out that he runs a blog where he does advocacy for people with ASD and wants to work with children who have ASD. This indeed intrigued me enough that I took a risk in wanting to meet him. In my mind this felt a little rushed, but he seemed to take it well. He agreed that he would like to meet me and that I sounded awesome! Before going anywhere however, I decided to put him on the spot somewhat by saying “It is my person opinion that the best kind of advocacy is self advocacy”. I figured that this would put on the spot; he would either look bad for not being on the autism spectrum and attempt to defend himself or he would admit that he was indeed on the autism spectrum himself. “How did you know I had Asperger's?” he asked after reading that. A smile lit across my face when I saw that come on my screen. “Well, I did not, but thanks, lol.”
Well, it turned out the the latter was indeed true! And I was very happy to hear that, for you see I too am on the autism spectrum. As I was diagnosed under the DSM V, I use autistic, autism spectrum and Asperger's interchangeably. Not that him also being an aspie made it any more likely for him to like me, I new that I would be more likely to get along with him on a level which I do not get along with other people. I became extremely excited. I wanted to know more about him and about his past and about his autistic quirks; but I was not ready to reveal myself just yet. Although this made things slightly difficult for him as I started asking questions that only someone who was either autistic or someone who had studied autism for a long time would ask (or both); asking him if he was familiar with a local autism therapist raised quite some suspicion which I had to quickly change topic to ask him about Dragon Ball Z (smart move). He seemed happy that I seemed at least knowledgeable about Asperger's Syndrome without outing myself just yet. I finally got him to agree to go out with me; although the slight problem that he worked late hours and had not a lot of time available did sadden me. He seemed a little half-hearted about meeting me; rescheduling and falling out interest which made me panic somewhat but I finally got him to agree on a time and place! I was extremely happy; it was going to be my first real date with somewhat in Sudbury whom I actually thought I could really work out with. It felt like I was getting into this too deep to quickly; I was really nervous and anxious about meeting him. Someone I could almost feel a connection with! There was one piece of the puzzle left; how and when do I tell him that I am also on the autism spectrum and what the implications were of me not revealing it at the same time he did.
The day before, I asked if he would show me some of his writing and he agreed to show me the page that he blogs on. In response I showed him some of my writings that I kept on a similar blog which had the word “Asperger's” in the title (oops!). No this was on purpose, I figured it was only fair!
After reading what I had sent him, he asked me, “are you also an aspie”
To which I replied, “I am just going to let you facepalm yourself right now.” In other words: of course I am!
So once he figured it out he thought it was pretty cool to have met another person like himself on the website we were using (or at least that is what he said). Although this only made my anxiety worse. I also had to tell him that me saying “the best kind of advocacy is self advocacy was basically like me asking, “why do you have a dog in this fight?”” Which was basically making him admit that he was autistic or argue my premise with me, even if that was not my intent. So before the date I attempted to search this person on facebook using only their first name relying on my ability to pick out a face from what I knew. And I did; that was extremely easy. I did this mostly so that I could easily ask to add him after said date if all went well.
Jumping forward a bit. I arrived at the mall where he worked and decided to wander around as if I was shopping. I recognized him right away taking a trolley to the back of the mall. I did not want him to notice me yet so I covered my face. I suddenly became obsessed with him not noticing me because I was extremely nervous about everything going well. Which led me to turn into a bit of a creeper for the next half hour or so. This only made things worse on my part though. I finally got around to meeting him outside of the mall and he seemed really happy to at last meet me. I even hugged the guy; I usually do not do that upon first meeting someone but I felt like he was a winner enough to do so :). So as we walked to the car we conversed about general awkwardness and sarcasm difficulties (sorry that part is a little fuzzy in my head) and I laughingly said, “should I start comparing you to Sheldon Cooper?” and he seemed a little put off by it, but I think he recognized that I said it in jest (I will come back to this later; I want to complete the story first), or at least I thought so. It is very clear that I was being very open and taking a lot of risks with this person; because I genuinely thought that this person was genuine in appreciating and would like me if I was simply open and myself. So I got into his car (another thing that most people would tell me not to do with someone I barely know. People are more trustworthy than we often lead ourselves to believe). It was winter in Sudbury so it took a little while for the car to start; we talked about snow for a bit while we were waiting to move. Once we go moving I had suggested we go to rhythm and cues mostly because I wanted to stay uptown rather than go downtown when it was already close to ten in the night. We pulled into the complex and I asked if he wanted sushi instead.
Luckily the place was still open for another hour so we decided to go for sushi! Once inside I opened a book which I had brought a series of questions to ask him. I do not know if he saw the book or knew that I was reading off of a script. I did not want him to realize I was reading off a script however, so I tried my best to keep conversations fluid. I asked him about his teaching background, about his job, growing up in Sudbury, about his family and about the election (just to name a few). We also brought up anthropology, star trek vs star wars, religion and a few other things that were not scripted (it seemed to be going well). One thing that he said that was cause for conflict was that he sided with Trudeau’s recent decision to create a gender balance cabinet. My comment was that that should not have been the goal of the cabinet and that people should be chosen based on their merit; and that when you come into something like this with an end goal like that in mind it detracts you from choosing the best people for the job. He seemed to disagree and stated that we simply needed more women because it in the past has been very hard for women to get into these positions. I also mentioned that businesses lose money constantly when they enact affirmative actions like this. However, he seemed more preoccupied with the image that these companies are looking to portray and that by hiring more women you are helping women. In short it seemed very much like I for equal opportunity but that he was championing equal results. An argument will indelibly go nowhere. So eventually he cut me off and he needed to change that topic agreeing that Trudeau was the best option and that his gender balanced cabinet was a good effort. I brought up my therapist and how she introduced to a new friend whom had 5 autistic boys and that she herself was also on the spectrum. And I finished with, “How do you live?” very expressive. He responded with, “very carefully and with well thought out routines!” Which I thought was a very truthful answer and he seemed okay with me saying such things. He also mentioned that his parents were separated (annulled) and that he thinks he gets his Asperger’s from his mom’s side of the family. Then I sarcastically asked, “so do you get your dashing good looks from your dad?” He responded with, “O really, you think so; you look really good too…” To which I laughed: gotcha! to show I was being sarcastic. Truth be told he is very handsome and charming but also a bit of a dork (which I like!). I also mentioned at least twice that I did not believe in marriage; once while he was reflecting on his parents’ separation and the other when the server asked if we were together; I guess I mentioned that a little much for a first date, but it just came out. perhaps that was too much for him, perhaps he really wanted to get married some day. If that were the case, then that is a discussion to have.
Finally the night had begun to wind down. I had actually wanted to ask him to go for a walk with me along Junction Creek afterwards. But he was tired and suggested that he simply drop me off at my house. I was reluctantly okay with this figuring: there will be other times! I felt like I was really starting to like him! And all things considered how could I not. I almost wanted to invite him over for the night so that he would not have to drive home. But I decided that would be a little much after a great night (I can feel myself beginning to cry as I type this). On the way home I told him that I did not tell him that I am autistic right away because I did not want him to think that he only liked me because I was also autistic and vice-versa. But while we were driving he assured me that he thought I was awesome and that me being an aspie was simply the icing on the cake! That made me smile. So he dropped me off but not before texting his roommate that the date went really well. I jokingly said, “you should tell him that you made sweet sweet love!” On the way out of the car, I lightly touched him on the leg as a sign of affection; he seemed a little put off by this. I really wanted to invite him in and make out with him or something, but I decided to let him go. I asked him if he wanted to see me again and got out my calendar to make another date; I was extremely excited to get the chance to see him again! However, he declined saying that he wanted to wait till he got back from seeing some his extended family in Kingston. So I gave him a big hug and let him go as I went inside.
I called him about an hour later just to make sure he got home safely :). I felt like I was over the moon that night; I found someone in this stupid city that I really like and really connect with and it felt like he really connected with me too! I felt amazing; I met a guy who was a writer, who had similar interests as me and who was on the autism spectrum and genuinely cared about autistic people. We definitely had lots in common and we really hit it off! That is why I am trying to be as elaborate as I can here; to show that he cannot deny that we had a connection and that he did really like me. This way, it all the more president when he does not explain himself. I finally feel like I need to say all of this. And so I resumed my normal routine with life while I waited till the day he would get back to Sudbury. I texted the guy a few times to say happy birthday and generally ask how he was doing. I also told him that I really wanted to see him before I left for Ottawa for a week which was then in just in two weeks. Things seemed okay; he was a little slow with getting back to my first couple of texts, but I figured he was just busy. He flat out did not respond to my texts about meeting up later on. One curious thing was that I asked him on the dating site for his email or for a facebook and it had showed that he had indeed seen the message but was not replying (this would become the standard for all other message which I had sent him; via any media). This made me quite nervous. I messaged him a couple more times about my financial situation and a few other things that I cannot remember; making it clear that I did want to see him again. After not getting any replies to anything that I sent him, I felt really sad and kind of broken; so I sent him a message saying, “You know, I really liked you.” I did not know what else to do; he was not responding to me at all! I kind of figured he would not answer for a while like all the other messages; but then he did not.
This pretty much confirmed for me that he was indeed reading everything I had sent him and was simply choosing not to respond (and not because he was simply too busy). The message that he sent read, “I know, me too, you seemed really awesome. Sorry I have been busy lately, I know I have been really flaky. But I am not interested in a relationship, it is just where I am in life”. I stopped reading after that. I do not remember if there was anything more to the text message or not. A few minutes later, I deleted all of our exchanges from my phone. I was very very sad and I felt like a giant void had opened up inside of me that I could not fix. I thought about calling him; but figured he would just like it ring like all the other times that I had called. I felt hopeless, I was extremely depressed. I would like to point something out here: it is very rude, cowardly and lacking in integrity to tell someone you are not interested in them via text message; especially after showing a keen interest in someone and giving them the impression that there was indeed something there. It is also incredibly untactful to think that that would have been to end of it because you decided to end it via text message. Did you actually think that this was the proper way to end it with someone you laughed with and told they were awesome and that you gave the impression of a keen interest to (seriously)? And did you really think I was going to let that be the last word? Only the lowest of lowest people think that way! And this person had the nerve to be proud of that message as a way to snuff out all hope in my entire being (try again buddy!). Even if you were in fact genuinely not interested in me at all (how would make that decision after a night like that? Number one) It is just extremely low to do something like that.
But things did not seem completely lost. I convinced myself that he simply did not wish to pursue a “relationship” with me just yet and that he just wanted to be friends (or something). I did not want to let what I thought was a good thing go. So once he was back in Sudbury I texted him again asking if I could get an update, I asked him more about his interests and if I could ever get a chance to hang out with him again. Another week went on and no messages were returned.
I sent him a message on the dating site saying (this one I had saved word for word):
Do you really think I deserve this?
Do you really think I deserve someone telling me I am awesome only to never speak to me again?
Do you really think I deserve the “I just want to be friends” tired tagline only to never hear another word from you again and to not make any effort to be my friend?
Do you really think I deserve this silent treatment without any explanation?
Do you really think I don't deserve the respect of closure?
Is this the game you play with everyone on this website?
I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt
I really wanted to believe you were a decent human being
I was clearly really upset. But this message went completely unanswered. Keep in mind that he never unliked me on the dating website or made any attempt to prevent me from contacting him.
It was getting worse. I was so sad and so upset that I had began cutting again because nothing else would take the pain that I felt away, at all. This was not good.
I finally decided to sit down and speak to my therapist about how I met this “amazing” guy online and how it felt like we really connected but then how he just simply ceased communication with me. She tried to make me feel better by telling me that guys on these dating websites are pigs and that dating sites are really just “meet farms” but that only made me more sad. I finally let her know that he was also an aspie and how I came to know this. She was surprised by this information. But she just tried to reassure me that this person was simply not meant to be; that was Wednesday afternoon. I had also told her that meeting this person actually made me feel for the first time in several months that I could finally put my ex behind me. And she told me “maybe this is the reason he came into your life..” That did not make me feel any better at all! In fact, it only made me feel worse. She basically told me that I needed to move on, even if you are never going to see him again. And she told me “maybe this is the reason he came into your life..” That did not make me feel any better at all! In fact, it only made me feel worse. She basically told me that I needed to move on, even if you are never going to see him again. I cried during that session; the first time I had actually cried over this person because I was trying to be strong over all of this. I felt powerless and worthless. It made me feel like there was no one out there for me. And I left not feeling any better. My therapist tried to tell me that people on dating websites are simply there to shop around and that I was not exactly what this person was looking for and that I simply had to accept that. As right as she was, I was not satisfied with that. My sadness began to turn to anger.
The next day I was speaking with a friend in school and he noticed the cuts on my wrist. He became concerned, and once I noticed my demeanor changed as well. He gave me the well meaning cliche, “If you need to talk I am here”, which I do appreciate. I assured him that I was not trying to kill myself. Before I left I said, “I just wish I could confront this person.” I could feel my rage boiling inside me; how dare this person just cease talking to me like that! I do not deserve this! I thought. “This person should pay for toying with my heart,” I thought.
That night, I went home and composed the email that I feel started it all.
“You are an utter ass (and real immature too). All I wanted was to get to know you; you seemed like such a nice guy. We could have had the most adorable aspie babies that would have rivaled Einstein and take over the world!”
Ya that one seemed to set him off (oops!). So much so that he emailed me back immediately; showing me yet again that he was reading all my previous comments and ignoring them like a stuck up snob. I was moderately satisfied with that. Although I was a little afraid of his response because of the anger behind that message. I deleted his reply before reading it. I went back and only read the first line that came through on my email updates regarding the dating site. “Alright! I am sorry if I upset you but I already sent you a message that I am not interested. I...” Take a hint bitch!) Well a text message is no way to tell a girl you are not interested you lowest scum of a hypertrophic lake. I did not want to do anything that would make me more upset; I felt like purposefully not reading his messages was a way of guarding myself from him after I was already heart so much. It also allowed me to make whichever image of him that I wanted and allowed me keep a certain narrative in my head of this person. I decided, that if I really had no chance with him, if he truly was never going to speak to me again (or only to tell me off), then I may as well take my anger and my pain out on him.
So I began to construct a narrative that I felt would allow me to take out my anger; attempt to get him to understand how hopeless and low I felt as a result of everything. So I decided to use everything I knew about him against him. I used the very dating website against him. I also felt like this way people would see this and laugh at him. I used this page to mock everything I liked about him because I felt that if I convinced myself that they were absurd then I would think that he was absurd. In a sense I created a caricature of him for the world to see. So lets begin:
“Hi, my name is Adam Michael; yes my last name is a first name; what can I say? I guess my parents were not terribly bright. Hi, I am looking for someone to pound my tight squishy fat ass, did I mention how fat it is? I will even squeal like a pig if you want me too. I just love taking it, I have been extra naughty! I also really enjoy cuddling and science fiction fantasy films. I want a light saber shoved up my ass while watching the force awakens.
I am an aspie and I absolutely love talking about it, almost as much as being pounded in the butt.
I have a teaching degree and I work at Eastlink in the Mall (come on in and laugh and throw spit balls at me I deserve it!), I am going absolutely nowhere in life and having fun while doing it!
Just looking for some good old fashion fun. No strings attached!
So if you are interested and absolutely horny give me a call or text at "Phone number: I also do 69, just for funeezes. Phone is the best and fastest way to reach me. Just call! Always free.
Yours truly Michael Adam!”
That is where this started. I did not save everything and a lot of this I made up on the fly! I said things like:
“I am autistic, which basically means I have no soul; nah, I am just kidding, it just means I am wired differently. Whatever the fuck that means; and like every aspie and their mom I blog about it at <website>; because being an aspie is just so hard and my experience is just oh so unique. And I am also writing a book about growing up with Asperger's, because that is original!
This entire thing was heavily laced with sarcasm and was all about turning everything which made me gravitate towards him on its head so that I could laugh about it and not feel so bad about everything.
The no strings attached part was a direct reference to him telling me that he just was not interested in a relationship; basically me mocking him for being on the website advertising that he was looking for love in the first place and then push to the side the one girl that HE knew it would work with (Gold!).
With that in mind; I continued to create this image:
“I won't call you back, I will wait till you are at your braking point and then I will tell you, “meh, I am not interested”; after-all, this is just a meet farm!”
Thanks therapist!” All I want is a good time and then see-ya c'est la vie! Because that was how I felt! I was clearly trolling this person on a semi-public stage. A part of me wanted people to read this page and connect that image with the person in real life. I also through in the anal sex part because I was just playing around. I do see how this could make me look homophobic.
By making this I was extending my ability to have him as a part of my life as well as slander him and create my own commentary to laugh at whenever I was feeling low that he did not want to be with me. It worked pretty well; and I could feel myself starting to get better after I wrote and posted this thing; and the more I added to him and the worse I made this person look, the better I felt and I felt more like I could go on living normally.
At first I thought that if I listed him as gay that the original person would never find the profile because he would not be looking for gay men (easy enough). And so one day I decided to send him a message that went a little something like this:
“Well, technically, you said that you were not interested in/ ready for a relationship which is not the same as saying you were not interested period, nor that you were never going to talk to me again (fucker). Let's see how much fun I can have with you!”
Clearly taunting him to go and find the page.
I kept adding to the page with little snip-its. Someone actually messaged me (before it was obvious that this page was a fake), “Are you just a bottom, because you really should just try grinder.” And so I incorporated that into the page with, “I am not just a bottom, I am the bottom, rock bottom!”
I still had this person's phone number at my disposal (of course). I would use it to call him at odd times; it always went to voicemail anyway. I called one time while I was in class to troll this person.
That night I went home to find that I received a new message on the dating website. I rolled my eyes think it was him going to tell me to stop calling him and that I was annoying him or something. I did not read the message and immediately deleted both the update as well as the actual message on the site. Curiously I went to the views page of the fake profile account that I created to see that he had indeed seen the page and recently too. I panicked and deleted the entire profile without a trace; which is why I have very little material to actually quote right here. It was just as well anyway, I never meant for this page to last forever; a little over a month was time enough to serve its purpose.
I let out a sigh of relief and decided to go on with my life without this person in my it. I occasionally text him a few things about autism to attempt to jog his memory of me and remind him that he was being an ass and making a mistake. It was the school year anyway so a relationship was the least of my worries. That first dating website had become boring anyway; there just was not enough that I felt were of any real quality there.
Come summer and after all of my courses were finished, I felt like I would have more time to date and be in a relationship than I would have while I was taking courses. With that in mind I decided to message hime again (just for fun):
“Hey Commitment issues, when you realize that you have made a great type two error, just let me know.”
And as usual, read and no response.
I had made an account on another free dating website about a year earlier but had not really used it for the place I was located, I knew that it was an inferior product. I finally decided that it was worth giving a try. Too bad everyone on there was a freaking idiot. But looky-looky, He is on this page with a great big smile “looking for ove!” Ha, you turned love down. I laughed for a few minutes and messaged him, “there may be plenty of fish in the sea but you are the only fish for me!” Because that is clever!
The people on this page were clearly of inferior character and the ones that were not were few and far between and har to find as their way of finding me top prospects was not nearly as precise. That and there was more people who either lied on their profile or who simply did not write anything at all. I find it extremely annoying when people who have basically nothing written on their profile message me things like, “hi,” or “Hi, how are you.” Next please!
I found myself letting people down in rude and trolley ways left right and center.
I went out with this one person who completely rubbed me the wrong way. He claimed to have studied some university but had not even graduated high school and wanted to go back for millwright because it was a reliable career. And he continuously spoke highly of himself and continue to speak condescendingly of me. I was not showing him any real interest in him after about three quarters of the date and just really wanted to get home. After the date I decided that that was terrible but he decided that he really like me. I ignored his request for wings as well as a few other things but then shit hit the fan. I removed me from his favourites and told me that I was being extremely harsh. He then went on about how he was such a nice guy and how girls just want a guy who is going to treat them like crap. He also told me that he tried to kill himself but was too much of a coward to do it. I clearly did not want to take this, so I let him know that his vies of women are gross and that he was really gross (I am not going to post the actual text here because this thing is way too long as is). He did not seem to like that.
I would also just simply tell off guys on this page for messaging me and not having an intriguing enough profile.
Yes this person in the beginning had the right to reject me, I know that. And yes I took things way too far. And there is no excuse for that. But I would like to think I handled myself better than he did; especially after giving a clear impression that he did in fact like me (you cannot deny that you liked me and that you were indeed interested in me and what I had to say moron!). I feel like this person had no right to treat me the way he did after saying the things he said to me and giving me the impression that there was indeed a spark there.
It was not until I ran into a friend of this person's and told him my story that I began to understand him. This person told me that he was indeed a constant flake and that the behaviour I described was commonplace. He mentioned that he continuously had this problem with women. This made me feel a little better about the situation; it also hit home the person I thought he was was not something that even he himself could sustain. It also made me realize that it was not my fault; and there was likely nothing I could have done to make it better; he was the one who was severly flawed; not I. He also told me that this person was pretty upset at what I did; I suppose I would be too. With that I feel like I delivered what I had intended. It is often liberating to be able to relinquish power, especially when you have been trying to maintain control for far too long.
Perhaps my personality did not completely line up with his image of what he was interested him. Perhaps my political views were not an exact match with his; I do not know. I want to believe I had a genuine connection with this person; and I wanted him to feel what I felt in the end. But perhaps I will never know.
As a person on the autism spectrum, I too often feel as though I have extended freedm to criticize other autistic people in ways that would be unwelcomed from a non-autistic person because “I have been there,” or I am making these comments with a certain amount of irony or jest. In retrospect; making light of these things may not be the best way to behave; particularly among st ourselves. We should all work towards supporting each other instead.
This letter is getting far too long, but this is indeed cathartic. Perhaps this is a better way to express how he made me feel. All wounds fade; but I feel like I kept this one open longer than I should have because I wanted to believe that it was special. Perhaps I can finally begin to put this to rest. Relationships are hard, but often living with yourself is harder.
How you treated me was rude, cowardly and uncalled for. You cannot deny that you had a keen interest. I don't know why you could not even just be my friend. I felt awful and wanted you to see just how awful I felt. But in the end, I am no better. I hope you consider this the next time you choose to flake out on a girl you clearly led on! Ironically, you certainly are not ready for a relationship. I deserve better. I love you. Your aspie icing cake!I would appreciate the chance to be a part of your life.
Making connections has always been hard for me.
Something that had surprised me was the small number of matching people on OKCupid in the city. But then I found him. He seemed interesting enough so I gave him a shot asking about his career and about some of the things he liked. It turned out he was a nerd just like me!
A little prodding led me to find out that he runs a blog where he does advocacy for people with ASD and wants to work with children who have ASD. This indeed intrigued me enough that I took a risk in wanting to meet him. In my mind this felt a little rushed, but he seemed to take it well. He agreed that he would like to meet me and that I sounded awesome! Before going anywhere however, I decided to put him on the spot somewhat by saying “It is my person opinion that the best kind of advocacy is self advocacy”. I figured that this would put on the spot; he would either look bad for not being on the autism spectrum and attempt to defend himself or he would admit that he was indeed on the autism spectrum himself. “How did you know I had Asperger's?” he asked after reading that. A smile lit across my face when I saw that come on my screen. “Well, I did not, but thanks, lol.”
Well, it turned out the the latter was indeed true! And I was very happy to hear that, for you see I too am on the autism spectrum. As I was diagnosed under the DSM V, I use autistic, autism spectrum and Asperger's interchangeably. Not that him also being an aspie made it any more likely for him to like me, I new that I would be more likely to get along with him on a level which I do not get along with other people. I became extremely excited. I wanted to know more about him and about his past and about his autistic quirks; but I was not ready to reveal myself just yet. Although this made things slightly difficult for him as I started asking questions that only someone who was either autistic or someone who had studied autism for a long time would ask (or both); asking him if he was familiar with a local autism therapist raised quite some suspicion which I had to quickly change topic to ask him about Dragon Ball Z (smart move). He seemed happy that I seemed at least knowledgeable about Asperger's Syndrome without outing myself just yet. I finally got him to agree to go out with me; although the slight problem that he worked late hours and had not a lot of time available did sadden me. He seemed a little half-hearted about meeting me; rescheduling and falling out interest which made me panic somewhat but I finally got him to agree on a time and place! I was extremely happy; it was going to be my first real date with somewhat in Sudbury whom I actually thought I could really work out with. It felt like I was getting into this too deep to quickly; I was really nervous and anxious about meeting him. Someone I could almost feel a connection with! There was one piece of the puzzle left; how and when do I tell him that I am also on the autism spectrum and what the implications were of me not revealing it at the same time he did.
The day before, I asked if he would show me some of his writing and he agreed to show me the page that he blogs on. In response I showed him some of my writings that I kept on a similar blog which had the word “Asperger's” in the title (oops!). No this was on purpose, I figured it was only fair!
After reading what I had sent him, he asked me, “are you also an aspie”
To which I replied, “I am just going to let you facepalm yourself right now.” In other words: of course I am!
So once he figured it out he thought it was pretty cool to have met another person like himself on the website we were using (or at least that is what he said). Although this only made my anxiety worse. I also had to tell him that me saying “the best kind of advocacy is self advocacy was basically like me asking, “why do you have a dog in this fight?”” Which was basically making him admit that he was autistic or argue my premise with me, even if that was not my intent. So before the date I attempted to search this person on facebook using only their first name relying on my ability to pick out a face from what I knew. And I did; that was extremely easy. I did this mostly so that I could easily ask to add him after said date if all went well.
Jumping forward a bit. I arrived at the mall where he worked and decided to wander around as if I was shopping. I recognized him right away taking a trolley to the back of the mall. I did not want him to notice me yet so I covered my face. I suddenly became obsessed with him not noticing me because I was extremely nervous about everything going well. Which led me to turn into a bit of a creeper for the next half hour or so. This only made things worse on my part though. I finally got around to meeting him outside of the mall and he seemed really happy to at last meet me. I even hugged the guy; I usually do not do that upon first meeting someone but I felt like he was a winner enough to do so :). So as we walked to the car we conversed about general awkwardness and sarcasm difficulties (sorry that part is a little fuzzy in my head) and I laughingly said, “should I start comparing you to Sheldon Cooper?” and he seemed a little put off by it, but I think he recognized that I said it in jest (I will come back to this later; I want to complete the story first), or at least I thought so. It is very clear that I was being very open and taking a lot of risks with this person; because I genuinely thought that this person was genuine in appreciating and would like me if I was simply open and myself. So I got into his car (another thing that most people would tell me not to do with someone I barely know. People are more trustworthy than we often lead ourselves to believe). It was winter in Sudbury so it took a little while for the car to start; we talked about snow for a bit while we were waiting to move. Once we go moving I had suggested we go to rhythm and cues mostly because I wanted to stay uptown rather than go downtown when it was already close to ten in the night. We pulled into the complex and I asked if he wanted sushi instead.
Luckily the place was still open for another hour so we decided to go for sushi! Once inside I opened a book which I had brought a series of questions to ask him. I do not know if he saw the book or knew that I was reading off of a script. I did not want him to realize I was reading off a script however, so I tried my best to keep conversations fluid. I asked him about his teaching background, about his job, growing up in Sudbury, about his family and about the election (just to name a few). We also brought up anthropology, star trek vs star wars, religion and a few other things that were not scripted (it seemed to be going well). One thing that he said that was cause for conflict was that he sided with Trudeau’s recent decision to create a gender balance cabinet. My comment was that that should not have been the goal of the cabinet and that people should be chosen based on their merit; and that when you come into something like this with an end goal like that in mind it detracts you from choosing the best people for the job. He seemed to disagree and stated that we simply needed more women because it in the past has been very hard for women to get into these positions. I also mentioned that businesses lose money constantly when they enact affirmative actions like this. However, he seemed more preoccupied with the image that these companies are looking to portray and that by hiring more women you are helping women. In short it seemed very much like I for equal opportunity but that he was championing equal results. An argument will indelibly go nowhere. So eventually he cut me off and he needed to change that topic agreeing that Trudeau was the best option and that his gender balanced cabinet was a good effort. I brought up my therapist and how she introduced to a new friend whom had 5 autistic boys and that she herself was also on the spectrum. And I finished with, “How do you live?” very expressive. He responded with, “very carefully and with well thought out routines!” Which I thought was a very truthful answer and he seemed okay with me saying such things. He also mentioned that his parents were separated (annulled) and that he thinks he gets his Asperger’s from his mom’s side of the family. Then I sarcastically asked, “so do you get your dashing good looks from your dad?” He responded with, “O really, you think so; you look really good too…” To which I laughed: gotcha! to show I was being sarcastic. Truth be told he is very handsome and charming but also a bit of a dork (which I like!). I also mentioned at least twice that I did not believe in marriage; once while he was reflecting on his parents’ separation and the other when the server asked if we were together; I guess I mentioned that a little much for a first date, but it just came out. perhaps that was too much for him, perhaps he really wanted to get married some day. If that were the case, then that is a discussion to have.
Finally the night had begun to wind down. I had actually wanted to ask him to go for a walk with me along Junction Creek afterwards. But he was tired and suggested that he simply drop me off at my house. I was reluctantly okay with this figuring: there will be other times! I felt like I was really starting to like him! And all things considered how could I not. I almost wanted to invite him over for the night so that he would not have to drive home. But I decided that would be a little much after a great night (I can feel myself beginning to cry as I type this). On the way home I told him that I did not tell him that I am autistic right away because I did not want him to think that he only liked me because I was also autistic and vice-versa. But while we were driving he assured me that he thought I was awesome and that me being an aspie was simply the icing on the cake! That made me smile. So he dropped me off but not before texting his roommate that the date went really well. I jokingly said, “you should tell him that you made sweet sweet love!” On the way out of the car, I lightly touched him on the leg as a sign of affection; he seemed a little put off by this. I really wanted to invite him in and make out with him or something, but I decided to let him go. I asked him if he wanted to see me again and got out my calendar to make another date; I was extremely excited to get the chance to see him again! However, he declined saying that he wanted to wait till he got back from seeing some his extended family in Kingston. So I gave him a big hug and let him go as I went inside.
I called him about an hour later just to make sure he got home safely :). I felt like I was over the moon that night; I found someone in this stupid city that I really like and really connect with and it felt like he really connected with me too! I felt amazing; I met a guy who was a writer, who had similar interests as me and who was on the autism spectrum and genuinely cared about autistic people. We definitely had lots in common and we really hit it off! That is why I am trying to be as elaborate as I can here; to show that he cannot deny that we had a connection and that he did really like me. This way, it all the more president when he does not explain himself. I finally feel like I need to say all of this. And so I resumed my normal routine with life while I waited till the day he would get back to Sudbury. I texted the guy a few times to say happy birthday and generally ask how he was doing. I also told him that I really wanted to see him before I left for Ottawa for a week which was then in just in two weeks. Things seemed okay; he was a little slow with getting back to my first couple of texts, but I figured he was just busy. He flat out did not respond to my texts about meeting up later on. One curious thing was that I asked him on the dating site for his email or for a facebook and it had showed that he had indeed seen the message but was not replying (this would become the standard for all other message which I had sent him; via any media). This made me quite nervous. I messaged him a couple more times about my financial situation and a few other things that I cannot remember; making it clear that I did want to see him again. After not getting any replies to anything that I sent him, I felt really sad and kind of broken; so I sent him a message saying, “You know, I really liked you.” I did not know what else to do; he was not responding to me at all! I kind of figured he would not answer for a while like all the other messages; but then he did not.
This pretty much confirmed for me that he was indeed reading everything I had sent him and was simply choosing not to respond (and not because he was simply too busy). The message that he sent read, “I know, me too, you seemed really awesome. Sorry I have been busy lately, I know I have been really flaky. But I am not interested in a relationship, it is just where I am in life”. I stopped reading after that. I do not remember if there was anything more to the text message or not. A few minutes later, I deleted all of our exchanges from my phone. I was very very sad and I felt like a giant void had opened up inside of me that I could not fix. I thought about calling him; but figured he would just like it ring like all the other times that I had called. I felt hopeless, I was extremely depressed. I would like to point something out here: it is very rude, cowardly and lacking in integrity to tell someone you are not interested in them via text message; especially after showing a keen interest in someone and giving them the impression that there was indeed something there. It is also incredibly untactful to think that that would have been to end of it because you decided to end it via text message. Did you actually think that this was the proper way to end it with someone you laughed with and told they were awesome and that you gave the impression of a keen interest to (seriously)? And did you really think I was going to let that be the last word? Only the lowest of lowest people think that way! And this person had the nerve to be proud of that message as a way to snuff out all hope in my entire being (try again buddy!). Even if you were in fact genuinely not interested in me at all (how would make that decision after a night like that? Number one) It is just extremely low to do something like that.
But things did not seem completely lost. I convinced myself that he simply did not wish to pursue a “relationship” with me just yet and that he just wanted to be friends (or something). I did not want to let what I thought was a good thing go. So once he was back in Sudbury I texted him again asking if I could get an update, I asked him more about his interests and if I could ever get a chance to hang out with him again. Another week went on and no messages were returned.
I sent him a message on the dating site saying (this one I had saved word for word):
Do you really think I deserve this?
Do you really think I deserve someone telling me I am awesome only to never speak to me again?
Do you really think I deserve the “I just want to be friends” tired tagline only to never hear another word from you again and to not make any effort to be my friend?
Do you really think I deserve this silent treatment without any explanation?
Do you really think I don't deserve the respect of closure?
Is this the game you play with everyone on this website?
I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt
I really wanted to believe you were a decent human being
I was clearly really upset. But this message went completely unanswered. Keep in mind that he never unliked me on the dating website or made any attempt to prevent me from contacting him.
It was getting worse. I was so sad and so upset that I had began cutting again because nothing else would take the pain that I felt away, at all. This was not good.
I finally decided to sit down and speak to my therapist about how I met this “amazing” guy online and how it felt like we really connected but then how he just simply ceased communication with me. She tried to make me feel better by telling me that guys on these dating websites are pigs and that dating sites are really just “meet farms” but that only made me more sad. I finally let her know that he was also an aspie and how I came to know this. She was surprised by this information. But she just tried to reassure me that this person was simply not meant to be; that was Wednesday afternoon. I had also told her that meeting this person actually made me feel for the first time in several months that I could finally put my ex behind me. And she told me “maybe this is the reason he came into your life..” That did not make me feel any better at all! In fact, it only made me feel worse. She basically told me that I needed to move on, even if you are never going to see him again. And she told me “maybe this is the reason he came into your life..” That did not make me feel any better at all! In fact, it only made me feel worse. She basically told me that I needed to move on, even if you are never going to see him again. I cried during that session; the first time I had actually cried over this person because I was trying to be strong over all of this. I felt powerless and worthless. It made me feel like there was no one out there for me. And I left not feeling any better. My therapist tried to tell me that people on dating websites are simply there to shop around and that I was not exactly what this person was looking for and that I simply had to accept that. As right as she was, I was not satisfied with that. My sadness began to turn to anger.
The next day I was speaking with a friend in school and he noticed the cuts on my wrist. He became concerned, and once I noticed my demeanor changed as well. He gave me the well meaning cliche, “If you need to talk I am here”, which I do appreciate. I assured him that I was not trying to kill myself. Before I left I said, “I just wish I could confront this person.” I could feel my rage boiling inside me; how dare this person just cease talking to me like that! I do not deserve this! I thought. “This person should pay for toying with my heart,” I thought.
That night, I went home and composed the email that I feel started it all.
“You are an utter ass (and real immature too). All I wanted was to get to know you; you seemed like such a nice guy. We could have had the most adorable aspie babies that would have rivaled Einstein and take over the world!”
Ya that one seemed to set him off (oops!). So much so that he emailed me back immediately; showing me yet again that he was reading all my previous comments and ignoring them like a stuck up snob. I was moderately satisfied with that. Although I was a little afraid of his response because of the anger behind that message. I deleted his reply before reading it. I went back and only read the first line that came through on my email updates regarding the dating site. “Alright! I am sorry if I upset you but I already sent you a message that I am not interested. I...” Take a hint bitch!) Well a text message is no way to tell a girl you are not interested you lowest scum of a hypertrophic lake. I did not want to do anything that would make me more upset; I felt like purposefully not reading his messages was a way of guarding myself from him after I was already heart so much. It also allowed me to make whichever image of him that I wanted and allowed me keep a certain narrative in my head of this person. I decided, that if I really had no chance with him, if he truly was never going to speak to me again (or only to tell me off), then I may as well take my anger and my pain out on him.
So I began to construct a narrative that I felt would allow me to take out my anger; attempt to get him to understand how hopeless and low I felt as a result of everything. So I decided to use everything I knew about him against him. I used the very dating website against him. I also felt like this way people would see this and laugh at him. I used this page to mock everything I liked about him because I felt that if I convinced myself that they were absurd then I would think that he was absurd. In a sense I created a caricature of him for the world to see. So lets begin:
“Hi, my name is Adam Michael; yes my last name is a first name; what can I say? I guess my parents were not terribly bright. Hi, I am looking for someone to pound my tight squishy fat ass, did I mention how fat it is? I will even squeal like a pig if you want me too. I just love taking it, I have been extra naughty! I also really enjoy cuddling and science fiction fantasy films. I want a light saber shoved up my ass while watching the force awakens.
I am an aspie and I absolutely love talking about it, almost as much as being pounded in the butt.
I have a teaching degree and I work at Eastlink in the Mall (come on in and laugh and throw spit balls at me I deserve it!), I am going absolutely nowhere in life and having fun while doing it!
Just looking for some good old fashion fun. No strings attached!
So if you are interested and absolutely horny give me a call or text at "Phone number: I also do 69, just for funeezes. Phone is the best and fastest way to reach me. Just call! Always free.
Yours truly Michael Adam!”
That is where this started. I did not save everything and a lot of this I made up on the fly! I said things like:
“I am autistic, which basically means I have no soul; nah, I am just kidding, it just means I am wired differently. Whatever the fuck that means; and like every aspie and their mom I blog about it at <website>; because being an aspie is just so hard and my experience is just oh so unique. And I am also writing a book about growing up with Asperger's, because that is original!
This entire thing was heavily laced with sarcasm and was all about turning everything which made me gravitate towards him on its head so that I could laugh about it and not feel so bad about everything.
The no strings attached part was a direct reference to him telling me that he just was not interested in a relationship; basically me mocking him for being on the website advertising that he was looking for love in the first place and then push to the side the one girl that HE knew it would work with (Gold!).
With that in mind; I continued to create this image:
“I won't call you back, I will wait till you are at your braking point and then I will tell you, “meh, I am not interested”; after-all, this is just a meet farm!”
Thanks therapist!” All I want is a good time and then see-ya c'est la vie! Because that was how I felt! I was clearly trolling this person on a semi-public stage. A part of me wanted people to read this page and connect that image with the person in real life. I also through in the anal sex part because I was just playing around. I do see how this could make me look homophobic.
By making this I was extending my ability to have him as a part of my life as well as slander him and create my own commentary to laugh at whenever I was feeling low that he did not want to be with me. It worked pretty well; and I could feel myself starting to get better after I wrote and posted this thing; and the more I added to him and the worse I made this person look, the better I felt and I felt more like I could go on living normally.
At first I thought that if I listed him as gay that the original person would never find the profile because he would not be looking for gay men (easy enough). And so one day I decided to send him a message that went a little something like this:
“Well, technically, you said that you were not interested in/ ready for a relationship which is not the same as saying you were not interested period, nor that you were never going to talk to me again (fucker). Let's see how much fun I can have with you!”
Clearly taunting him to go and find the page.
I kept adding to the page with little snip-its. Someone actually messaged me (before it was obvious that this page was a fake), “Are you just a bottom, because you really should just try grinder.” And so I incorporated that into the page with, “I am not just a bottom, I am the bottom, rock bottom!”
I still had this person's phone number at my disposal (of course). I would use it to call him at odd times; it always went to voicemail anyway. I called one time while I was in class to troll this person.
That night I went home to find that I received a new message on the dating website. I rolled my eyes think it was him going to tell me to stop calling him and that I was annoying him or something. I did not read the message and immediately deleted both the update as well as the actual message on the site. Curiously I went to the views page of the fake profile account that I created to see that he had indeed seen the page and recently too. I panicked and deleted the entire profile without a trace; which is why I have very little material to actually quote right here. It was just as well anyway, I never meant for this page to last forever; a little over a month was time enough to serve its purpose.
I let out a sigh of relief and decided to go on with my life without this person in my it. I occasionally text him a few things about autism to attempt to jog his memory of me and remind him that he was being an ass and making a mistake. It was the school year anyway so a relationship was the least of my worries. That first dating website had become boring anyway; there just was not enough that I felt were of any real quality there.
Come summer and after all of my courses were finished, I felt like I would have more time to date and be in a relationship than I would have while I was taking courses. With that in mind I decided to message hime again (just for fun):
“Hey Commitment issues, when you realize that you have made a great type two error, just let me know.”
And as usual, read and no response.
I had made an account on another free dating website about a year earlier but had not really used it for the place I was located, I knew that it was an inferior product. I finally decided that it was worth giving a try. Too bad everyone on there was a freaking idiot. But looky-looky, He is on this page with a great big smile “looking for ove!” Ha, you turned love down. I laughed for a few minutes and messaged him, “there may be plenty of fish in the sea but you are the only fish for me!” Because that is clever!
The people on this page were clearly of inferior character and the ones that were not were few and far between and har to find as their way of finding me top prospects was not nearly as precise. That and there was more people who either lied on their profile or who simply did not write anything at all. I find it extremely annoying when people who have basically nothing written on their profile message me things like, “hi,” or “Hi, how are you.” Next please!
I found myself letting people down in rude and trolley ways left right and center.
I went out with this one person who completely rubbed me the wrong way. He claimed to have studied some university but had not even graduated high school and wanted to go back for millwright because it was a reliable career. And he continuously spoke highly of himself and continue to speak condescendingly of me. I was not showing him any real interest in him after about three quarters of the date and just really wanted to get home. After the date I decided that that was terrible but he decided that he really like me. I ignored his request for wings as well as a few other things but then shit hit the fan. I removed me from his favourites and told me that I was being extremely harsh. He then went on about how he was such a nice guy and how girls just want a guy who is going to treat them like crap. He also told me that he tried to kill himself but was too much of a coward to do it. I clearly did not want to take this, so I let him know that his vies of women are gross and that he was really gross (I am not going to post the actual text here because this thing is way too long as is). He did not seem to like that.
I would also just simply tell off guys on this page for messaging me and not having an intriguing enough profile.
Yes this person in the beginning had the right to reject me, I know that. And yes I took things way too far. And there is no excuse for that. But I would like to think I handled myself better than he did; especially after giving a clear impression that he did in fact like me (you cannot deny that you liked me and that you were indeed interested in me and what I had to say moron!). I feel like this person had no right to treat me the way he did after saying the things he said to me and giving me the impression that there was indeed a spark there.
It was not until I ran into a friend of this person's and told him my story that I began to understand him. This person told me that he was indeed a constant flake and that the behaviour I described was commonplace. He mentioned that he continuously had this problem with women. This made me feel a little better about the situation; it also hit home the person I thought he was was not something that even he himself could sustain. It also made me realize that it was not my fault; and there was likely nothing I could have done to make it better; he was the one who was severly flawed; not I. He also told me that this person was pretty upset at what I did; I suppose I would be too. With that I feel like I delivered what I had intended. It is often liberating to be able to relinquish power, especially when you have been trying to maintain control for far too long.
Perhaps my personality did not completely line up with his image of what he was interested him. Perhaps my political views were not an exact match with his; I do not know. I want to believe I had a genuine connection with this person; and I wanted him to feel what I felt in the end. But perhaps I will never know.
As a person on the autism spectrum, I too often feel as though I have extended freedm to criticize other autistic people in ways that would be unwelcomed from a non-autistic person because “I have been there,” or I am making these comments with a certain amount of irony or jest. In retrospect; making light of these things may not be the best way to behave; particularly among st ourselves. We should all work towards supporting each other instead.
This letter is getting far too long, but this is indeed cathartic. Perhaps this is a better way to express how he made me feel. All wounds fade; but I feel like I kept this one open longer than I should have because I wanted to believe that it was special. Perhaps I can finally begin to put this to rest. Relationships are hard, but often living with yourself is harder.
How you treated me was rude, cowardly and uncalled for. You cannot deny that you had a keen interest. I don't know why you could not even just be my friend. I felt awful and wanted you to see just how awful I felt. But in the end, I am no better. I hope you consider this the next time you choose to flake out on a girl you clearly led on! Ironically, you certainly are not ready for a relationship. I deserve better. I love you. Your aspie icing cake!I would appreciate the chance to be a part of your life.
